[Tweeters] If I Had A Hammer...

Jeff Gibson gibsondesign at msn.com
Mon Mar 30 16:21:45 PDT 2015

I just wanted to clarify what really happened here this morning in Port Townsend.
The plain truth is ,I witnessed a male Northern Flicker whapping the heck out of the neighbors mini- satellite dish this morning. It was incredibly loud. It kept on doing it for quite awhile .
Alas, "Fred" and "Wilma" (not their real names) were whisked off by a federal Witless Protection Program soon after the Flicker incident. They were mentally unstable anyway, from watching too much "balanced news" on the TeeVee. They waved to me before being loaded into a NASA (or whatever) van - I think they're gonna be OK. I guess the NASA thing had something to do with the satellite dish. So no other witnesses are available , but hey, you can trust me for accurate nature reporting! Really. Just sayin'. Whatever. The Flicker is doing fine, last I saw.
Jeff Gibsonwith news update fromPort Townsend Wa

From: gibsondesign at msn.com
To: tweeters at u.washington.edu
Date: Mon, 30 Mar 2015 09:45:41 -0700
Subject: [Tweeters] If I Had A Hammer...

The neighbors here in Port Townsend, Fred and Wilma, were just watching the morning news on the TeeVee. It was one of those "balanced reporting " shows. There was commentator 'Righty' on one side, and then commentator 'Lefty' on the other side of the small screen - the left hand and the right hand of the same body, pretending to have a conversation with each other.
The Two Hands, were just starting to go at each other (..."Did you just say you wanted peace in the Middle East?"... "No, I said I wanted a piece of the Middle East!"..) when all hell broke loose! Fred and Wilma hit the floor at the sound of rapid machine gun fire just outside the window! The TeeVee screen flickered a bit.
"Oh My God! It's Al Qaeda !" screamed Wilma." They're after our TeeVee!" yelled Fred, as he crawled over to the phone and dialed 911.

I was standing here, next door, when the SWAT team showed up. Being a sort of suspicious looking fellow, the cops headed straight to me. Plus, I was holding my binoculars - which can be a red flag for being a weirdo in any neighborhood.
"Hey, are you guy's here to see the Flicker?" I asked. " If so, it seems like you're pretty excited about it! " I said with a smile. You should always be nice to law enforcement folks.
"Flicker! What in the hell do you mean by flicker, boy!" the head cop barked.
"Well, it's that bird right over there", I pointed. Right on cue, it did what drew me out of the house in the first place this morning - a rapid-fire whacking on Fred and Wilma's satellite dish. The SWAT team hit the ground at the sound.
"Don't shoot, it's just a woodpecker!" I called out, as the Flicker blasted off on the satellite dish once again. "Here" I told the head cop, the only one to remain standing ,"check it out", and passed him my binoculars.
Getting a real good look, the cop was amazed at the beauty of a Flicker. "Wow, thats cool! Never seen a bird like that before! " As he was watching, the Flicker jackhammered the satellite dish again. "How can they possibly do that without hurting themselves?", the cop asked in awe.
"You know, I always wonder that myself" I replied.

"If I had a hammerI'd hammer in the morningI'd hammer in the eveningall over this land..."
- traditional Flicker folk song.
Jeff Gibsonreporting fromPort Townsend Wa

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